Life in the NICU

After we'd spent some time with the girls the nurses advised us to go back to our room and rest while we could. I was so groggy from the medicine that I couldn't really object so we went back to our room and tried to sleep. A little while later the NICU doctor came in and told us that Hannah was doing well, was off all oxygen and heart rate was normal. Emersyn, on the other hand, was having a hard time breathing.  They were considering transferring her up to PVH where they had a better NICU but were going to try a few more things before they did that.  We waited fretfully for about an hour, praying and hoping that we wouldn't have to be transferred. She returned with good news that little Emmy decided she didn't want to take a ride in the ambulance and was doing much better.

After that, my nurse told me to rest and that she'd be back in a few hours to take me to see my girls. I tried to sleep but I kept waking up hoping that it was time to go see them.  If I would've had the strength to walk myself down there I would've done it but since the epidural was still wearing off and I was loopy from pain meds I didn't think it was a wise idea to try and get up, especially with all the tubes and whatnot tying me to the bed.  She finally returned and helped me get in the wheel chair and go see my girls.

As I held Emersyn for the first time I found myself in awe that she was mine! That for years I had dreamed of what it would be like to have a baby, what she would look like, how she would cuddle up to me, the little noises she would make.  And all of those things were amazing! But the most amazing of all was that she knew me.  She knew my voice, she knew I was her mommy! All those years of trying to get pregnant and all those months of being pregnant finally became SO worth it! The second most amazing thing I found was how incredible it was to see Greg holding Hannah.  He suddenly became more than just my husband and best friend: he was my girls' daddy, the only other person who could possibly love my girls as much as I did, my partner in raising these girls. I loved him even more in that moment. And more every day.

The next thing that I noticed were all the cords and tubes.  It broke my heart to see the tube in Emmy's nose and the little IV in her arm. It made them seem so fragile. Not to mention tethered to the NICU.  I think that was the worst part about it, feeling like even if I wanted to I couldn't take the girls from that room.  Most of the cords and tubes were just connected to monitors but it somehow seemed like if they became "unplugged" they wouldn't survive.

The nurses taught us how to do all of their "cares."  How to check their temperatures, change their monitors, change diapers, etc.  Their "cares" had to be done every three hours.  We also fed them every three hours. I had been pumping as well so we had a little bit of breastmilk to give them and supplemented with formula. At the time we were aiming for them to eat about 10mL at every feeding. That seems like such a tiny amount now that they're eating 4 oz at a time!

There are good things and bad things about having your kiddos in the NICU. Here are the pro's: 1) NURSES!!- there to answer questions, teach you how to breastfeed, take care of the babies if you want a nap, etc., 2) Quiet. Sometimes after the craziness of all the visitors its nice to have a little retreat that people can't follow you to. 3) Security.  You know if anything goes wrong there will be an army of people to help.

Here are the con's: 1) Being away from your babies. Even though we were welcome to stay in the nursery all day every day it felt somewhat weird to hang out in there when the girls were sleeping so we would just go back to our room. 2) Monitors.  Having the girls hooked up to monitors 24/7 was annoying because anytime you bump the monitor wrong or the baby holds her breath for even just a second alarms start going off everywhere. Plus having them attached with all the wires made it difficult to cuddle. 3) Paranoia.  Since they were monitored for everything it caused us to freak out about little things that all babies do. Example- when eating, babies often forget to breathe for a short time, they're learning to suck, swallow and breathe all at the same time.  When they're attached to something that beeps loudly every time that happens it makes it seem like your babies are dying all the time.  4) Once you're in the nursery, good luck getting out.... the list of requirements for the babies to be discharged is about a million miles long.  After the girls' first night they did so well.  There was very little to worry about.  We felt like it was unnecessary for them to stay in the nursery but since they'd been admitted they now had to accomplish all the things on this loooong checklist in order to be discharged. 


Headed home!

Stuff like- no episodes of apnea, no drops in BP or temp, must show that they're gaining weight, etc.  The frustrating thing about all of the requirements was that all of the things seemed like stuff that ALL babies encounter when they're first born but they didn't have to meet these requirements to go home- just ours, since they were being monitored for everything.  We understood that the nurses were just doing their job and had our babies' best interest in mind but it was frustrating feeling like we were stuck at the hospital for no reason.
Eventually the girls were stable enough that we were able to be discharged.  We were able to leave the Wednesday after the girls were born.  They spent a total of 6 days in the nursery.  We were so excited to go home!  We got home and thought.... let the real fun begin! :)

Labor and Delivery

Looking and feeling huge!

That Thursday morning was pretty much the most exciting morning of our lives.  We arrived at the hospital feeling nervous/excited/anxious/moderately terrified. We met with the doc and he confirmed that we would go ahead with the induction.  After having taken the Bradley class we were disappointed to have to induce but on the other hand I was thrilled to be ending the discomfort of pregnancy! At 10:00 the nurses started the Pitocin and told us they would increase the dosage every 30 minutes. 


Time to start the Pitocin!

The doctor also broke my water. The funny thing about him breaking my water was that I didn't realize he was going to do it! As far as I knew, he was just doing a "check" of my cervix.  I was doing my best to ignore what he was doing to my lady parts, making some awkward conversation and I look down and he's holding what looks like a crochet hook.  Aaaand suddenly I'm feeling like I peed the bed. I mean, I knew he was going to break the water at some point I just didn't realize that he meant he was going to break it right at that moment! That made it seem very real!

Until about 2:00 I really wasn't bothered too much by the contractions.  Yes, they were happening but not so bad that it hurt.  We joked about whether I'd rather do the contractions or a Crossfit workout called Fran-I chose the contractions.... until about 2:00.   Once the pain started, it became pretty intense right away.  I wish I could describe the pain a little better but the best I can do is to say that it felt like someone was wringing out my insides. My muscles felt like they were seizing and becoming frozen.  It was sort of like being trapped under a wave-it takes you by surprise and before you know it you can't figure out which was is up and you're pretty sure you're going to die when it finally lets up and you find the surface again.

I should also mention how difficult it was to track these girls on the monitors.  I'd experienced this multiple times already with all of my other visits but it was even more annoying this time.  The fetal heart monitors are basically like wearing an elastic belt with jelly smeared underneath it.  I got to wear 3 of them, one for each of the girls and one to monitor the contractions. I guess it's a good thing my belly was so huge in order to have room for all the dumb monitors!  The girls' heart rates were nearly identical from the very beginning.  Each ultrasound we had the girls' heart rates were within 3-4 of each other. The nurses were always concerned that we were only tracking one baby so they'd come in, wiggle the monitors around, stare at the computer screen muttering about one baby or two and finally decide that they were in fact tracking two kids. We'd had this experience with all of our other visits so I should've known to expect it but it seemed even more annoying when I was in serious pain.  The other thing that sucked about it was that I felt like once they were satisfied with the locations of the monitors I couldn't move because it would screw them up.  So that meant no walking around, no bathroom breaks, etc.

The anesthesiologist arrived to give me the epidural around 3:00.  By that time the pain was pretty intense and I was having a more and more difficult time relaxing through the contractions. The whole process of getting an epidural is some what of a joke because they ask unreasonable things of a largely pregnant woman who is out of her mind with pain.  Swing your legs over and sit up on the edge of the bed, yeah right... I'll just swing my legs over there.... now just curl yourself into a ball and round your back as much as possible... uhhh have you noticed the giant belly in the way of rounding my back??? Ok now just hold reaaaaal still or I'll probably paralyze you... um excuse me??  I'm over here experiencing the most pain I've ever had in my entire life!  Kinda hard not to squirm a little!  Once the epidural was done and the medication kicked in I felt a million times better, I could still feel the pressure of the contractions but the extreme pain was mostly gone. My mom, Greg's mom and my little brother came and kept us company while we waited.

Excited daddy ready to head to the OR

At about 6:00 I started feeling like I was ready to push.  Basically, I felt like I needed to poop. Real bad. The doctor wanted me to continue to "labor down" and wait to start pushing as long as possible to save my strength for pushing 2 girls out.  So I waited another hour. (Which felt like a lifetime). During that hour they administered some magnesium in order to lessen the chance for seizures since I was preeclamptic.  They finally had the OR prepped and wheeled me down to get me set up. I was shocked to see the giant production was waiting for us.  There was a nurse for each baby, one for me, the regular technicians, the doctor, a midwife, and the anesthesiologist and his team. 

The funny thing about having an epidural is that your legs are basically useless.  Getting my legs up into the stirrups was sort of hilarious.  The nurse couldn't seem to get the left one adjusted so that my leg wouldn't fall out and it did just that- fell out. Numerous times.  Eventually Greg gave up on the stupid thing and just decided to hold my leg instead.

It's at this point when things get a little hard to remember for me. The magnesium made everything a little harder to focus on, plus left me feeling woozy. It was time to start pushing.  The midwife and Greg helped me lift my torso up and push. Throughout each push my brain went fuzzy and I could focus on only one thing at a time.  Sometimes it was the sound of Dr. Tool's voice counting and encouraging, other times it was the midwife's sweet smile and voice, but mostly it was Greg's excited/anxious voice encouraging me and telling me how well I was doing.  With each contraction I felt like I was making progress.  Don't get me wrong, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I felt like little by little I was getting closer to meeting my sweet Hannah. After about 15 minutes of pushing Greg announced excitedly, "I can see her head! And she has hair!" That was all the encouragement I needed to keep pushing and 15 minutes later my sweet Hannah arrived.   They briefly set her on my tummy then cleaned her up and brought her back over to me.  I looked at my sweet girl and wouldn't you know it, she opened her eyes and looked right back at me.  I told her how much I loved her and watched as she took in this new crazy world. 

After they took Hannah to the nursery, my brain became even more fuzzy and my whole body began shaking violently and uncontrollably. My contractions continued but were far apart and much wimpier.  The doctor considered giving me more Pitocin but Emersyn's little heart rate would drop with each contraction so they couldn't increase the Pitocin and Dr. Tool decided to let me "labor down" again.  So basically we just waited.  And waited. And waited some more.  During our long wait Dr. Tool showed Greg that Hannah's umbilical cord was knotted.  He said that he had only seen that a few times in his career.  He is obviously bored during our long wait because he starts rolling the knot up and down the piece of cord and tells Greg that it's going to be a while so if he wanted to go talk to our moms and check on Hannah he had time.  Greg left for about 10 minutes to talk to them.

Eventually I started pushing again.  This time the pushing felt completely different.  I didn't feel like I was making any progress.  I kept saying to Greg, "I don't feel like I'm doing this right....something feels different...." I pushed and pushed and it still didn't seem like she was moving at all.  Come to find out, she was sunny side up- meaning her body was facing my belly rather than my spine- and that was what was causing the pushing to seem so difficult.  I began to feel pretty exhausted and hopeless.  I remember telling Dr. Tool to do "whatever you have to do" to get her out somewhat hoping that he would say that we were going to have to do a C-section so that I could be done with my part of it.  Dr. Tool kind of nonchalantly told me to chill out and that we would cross that bridge when we get there.  After a few more pushes he explained the pros and cons to using a vacuum or forceps and Greg told him to go ahead with the forceps.  Once he got the forceps in place it was only a few more pushes and my little Emersyn arrived. I don't remember them putting her on my chest but things were pretty fuzzy at that point so maybe they did.... they took her over and began cleaning her up and I remember freaking out because she wasn't crying.  It was only a few seconds but it seemed like an eternity and I felt such a relief when I heard her little voice for the first time.  They brought her over so I could see her and I fell in love immediately.

Once they took Emersyn off to the nursery I was finally allowed to have some water.  Greg sat me up and gave me a sip which I promptly choked on.  Since I couldn't really use my abs I couldn't cough. Funny enough, it wasn't preeclampsia, labor or delivery that almost killed me--it was an ice chip.  Ha! After a while, I sent Greg to check on the girls while Dr. Tool stitched me up.  It took an hour or so for him to finish, most of which, I don't remember - whether that's due to the amnesia they say mothers have after giving birth or the magnesium they had me on I don't know. I do remember continuing to shake uncontrollably and even more violently than before. Finally they wheeled me to the nursery where I got my first good look at my girls.

They were so tiny! And hooked up to so many monitors and tubes. Both girls were 5lbs 7oz. Hannah was 18.75" long and Emersyn was 18.5". Looking at Hannah my brain was so fuzzy that I couldn't count her toes and I thought she was missing one! I had my mom count them for me just to be sure. Turns out they were all there. :) My legs were still of no use to me so I couldn't leave my bed and I was shaking so badly that I didn't think I could hold the girls anyways, especially with all the wires, so I had to be satisfied to just sit and stare.  Dr. Tool came in to check on me and the girls and he noticed I was shaking terribly still so he tucked me into my bed with a heated blanket.

The labor and delivery experience is not exactly what I had dreamed of but we were able to have both girls without a C-section and everyone was healthy.  I couldn't ask for more.

The less glamorous second half of my pregnancy....

I've titled this post the "less glamorous" second half of my pregnancy.  I guess I had to have some complications otherwise it wouldn't have been a true assessment of a twin pregnancy.  Or any pregnancy for that matter. :) Up to this point Dr. Tool had been calling me his star twin patient, even saying I had a "rockstar cervix"... (BTW is it weird when a man who is not your husband is complementing your lady parts?? I guess not if it's your OB/GYN!). I had hoped to maintain that status but unfortunately it didn't end up that way.

Some time around the 24th week, I took my 1 hour glucose test.  I had taken a 3 hour glucose test before I started my fertility treatments and passed with flying colors so I assumed that this would be the same. I really didn't think about it at all until they called and said that I'd failed and that they wanted me to take the 3 hour test.  So, lucky me, I headed off to MCR on a lovely morning in February to sit in a waiting room all morning... this time around, the 3 hour test SUCKED! The glucose drink made my empty stomach churn and my head ache.  Besides that, when I arrived-bright and early- there was no one else in the waiting room so I turned on HGTV.  Of course, throughout the morning a few other patients came and went while I was sitting there for what felt like forever. 

About half way through this redneck couple showed up.  I was called back for my 2nd hour blood draw and came back and they had changed the channel on the TV to a hunting and fishing channel. I thought, "well, no biggie, I'm sure they'll only be here for a short time." I was wrong.  The nurses came out three or four times asking if he was ready to come back.  He continued to tell them he didn't need to "go" yet.  I watched him drink 5 or 6 glasses of water and thought, "geez.... he's got a bladder of steel if he still doesn't have to go by now..." The only thing I could figure was that he was there for a mandatory drug test of his urine and he was doing his best to dilute whatever was in his system.  Maybe I was a little judgmental and irritable but come on, I was there 1st! I'd been there all morning! I felt like crap!  All I wanted was to watch a little HGTV while I sat there pouting about having to be there in the first place!!   Finally, he went and did his test and left.  I promptly changed the channel back to HGTV and laughed about it with the front desk gal.

 

When Donna called to give me the results of the test I was shocked (again) to hear her say that I had failed that one too! So now I officially had gestational diabetes.  Greeeaaaat. Just what I wanted to hear.  So it was off to the nutritionist to get my blood sugar checker and instructions on how to keep my blood sugars low.  Basically just don't eat any carbs.  That should do it.  I asked Dr. Tool what the effects of gestational diabetes were on babies and he talked about insulin problems, increased birth weight, blah, blah, blah, and increased head and chest size. Wait, what?  He caught my attention there!  In case you don't know Greg- he has a big head.  An orange on a toothpick kind of head.  There was a good chance my babies were already going to have big heads, I didn't need to help them increase that size! So I begrudgingly started watching my blood sugar levels and eating better..... whining all the while. :)



27.5 weeks preggo

It was around this time that I started having the conversation. The one I have now learned that I would be having for the rest of my pregnancy.  It goes like this: 
Stranger (S) - "Oh, you're pregnant!" 
Me- "Yep." (duh genius...)
S- "When are you due?"
Me- "Not until May"
S- looking twice at the size of my belly and appearing confused...
Me- "I'm having twins."
S- "TWINS?!? Oh wow! Do twins run in your family?" 

Hannah

Me- "Nope, we were on fertility treatments."

S- "Do you know the sexes?"

Me- "Two girls." 

S- "Are they identical?

Me- "Nope." 

*This is where the conversation varies....*

Some people say, "How awesome!"

 Others say, "Well you're going to have your hands full."

Still others (rude others) say, "I would never want to have twins but good for you."

Emersyn

Me- "Yep." (can this conversation be over now?)  

I even had a mildly drunk guy at a restaurant say he wouldn't wish twins on his worst enemy... I thought, "do you really want this hugely pregnant mama to stand up and kick your a** because I will! Keep walking.  Jerk." Some people....

We made it through February with only the gestational diabetes to deal with.  In March, Greg had to go to a conference for a week and was too afraid to leave me home alone so he asked his mom to come spend the week with me.  I was glad for the company and I asked her to help me decorate my nursery.  I had already made the curtains with my best friend Leslie and painted the wall to match.  Greg and I bought the crib from Craigslist and he changed the buffet we had used in our old house into a changing table by refinishing it and adding the knobs. Deb (Greg's mom) painted all the frames and lined them with pretty paper from Hobby Lobby.  The nursery turned out better than I could have imagined. I love it!

During this whole time I had been continuing to work.  I'd done quite a bit of research and found that most women who were pregnant with twins were able to work until about week 32 +/- a week or 2 so I made it my goal to get to week 32 while continuing working.  We reached week 32 and everything seemed to be going well aside from some swelling in my feet and ankles by the end of the day but it wasn't too bothersome so I continued to work.

 

It was around the end of week 32 that things started going a little crazy.  As I mentioned before, I was dealing with a little bit of swelling when I got home from work at nights but all of the sudden my right leg was beginning to get hugely swollen just above my knee.  It was painful to the touch and it didn't seem to matter whether I was on my feet or not.  I saw Dr. Tool and he recommended that I get an ultrasound of the leg to be sure that there was no DVT (deep vein thrombosis-a blood clot).  They carted me through the hospital in a wheelchair (you would think that in a hospital it wouldn't be embarrassing to be wheeled around- but it is), did the ultrasound and sent me home.  Donna called and said the scan looked good but that I should try compression hose, lots of water and elevating the leg as much as possible.  

I was bound and determined to continue working as long as possible (to avoid the boredom of bedrest) so I continued working in spite of the discomfort.  My leg was continuing to swell and became more and more painful and even had a pretty good size lump on it. Greg was pretty paranoid that they hadn't done the ultrasound properly and that I was going to throw a clot and die so I called Donna again and she told me to come in.  Unfortunately, that day the snow was so bad that they were closing  the clinic so they sent me strait to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital. 

 

Apparently the L&D nurses didn't get the memo that I was coming because they looked at me with confusion and sent me to the ER who looked at me with confusion and finally called Dr. Tool. He asked me to be admitted to the L&D and the doc on call would take care of it.  I was kinda cranky by this point. Swollen, uncomfortable, shuffled from place to place.... grrr.  So finally they admitted me, stuck me in a terribly uncomfortable L&D bed and sent up the ultrasound lady to do another ultrasound. The results were not definitive.  Now they wanted a CT. Results were fine. We waited for-ev-er for the ultrasound, we waited for-ev-er for the CT, we waited for-ev-er for the results, we waited for-ev-er to be discharged.  All said and done, we spent an entire day in the hospital for nothing.  The only good thing about the day was that we found out that both girls were head down, weighed around 5lbs and I was having regular contractions!

 

I continued to work until I decided that the discomfort was becoming pretty unbearable.  (Not to mention my pants were so tight around the swollen leg that I was constantly scared I was going to tear my pants! ha!) I was so annoyed that it was leg swelling that was going to cause me to quit working... you'd think with a twin pregnancy it would be something better, like back pain or fatigue or something else but no, it was my stupid leg. So at 34 weeks I called it quits. Which absolutely broke my heart.  I knew that I likely wasn't going to be returning to my job at the Eye Center of Northern Colorado which completely killed me! I loved my job and didn't really want to leave but I figured that once the girls were here I wouldn't be able to part with them. :)

 

At my 35 week appointment I expressed my continued discomfort and won myself another trip to the L&D floor because of my heart rate. It was somewhere around 140/90.  I didn't know much about what it was supposed to be but apparently this was too high.  Dr. Tool joked with me about how I was ruining my "star patient" status. :) So we were admitted again, this time for 24 hour observation.  My blood pressure remained high for a few hours but seemed to level off a bit throughout the day so I was discharged the next day with instructions to return in 4 days for follow up. 

 

At my follow up visit it was decided that my blood pressure was not at an acceptable point and there was a small amount of protein in my urine so it was time to consider induction.  We wanted to wait until the girls were 37 weeks in order to avoid the "preemie" label but Dr. Tool was going to be out of town on Saturday (the 37 week mark) but was available and on call on Thursday (36w5d).  We decided that I'd come in for a check up on that day at 7am and if anything had changed he would induce. 

 

On Thursday, May 2 we went in at 7am and met with Dr. Tool.  Because my heart rate was still elevated and the swelling worse we decided to go ahead with the induction!! 

The beautiful 1st half of my pregnancy

Lets see.... where did we leave off. Ah yes, we had just found out that we were pregnant with twins! The first trimester was not so bad.  I was really fortunate not to have any morning sickness whatsoever.  I was EXTREMELY tired though!  Before I was pregnant I was known to need a lot of sleep and loved my naps. After I got pregnant that pretty much doubled.  I was napping twice a day- once in my car at lunch and then again when I got home from work.  I usually fell asleep watching Jeopardy with Greg.

Baby A 12 weeks

The thing that I was coming to know about being pregnant was that time seems to stand still when you're waiting for the biggest event in your life. Especially because we were seeing the doctor every 2 weeks for ultrasounds.  Ultrasounds are like drugs when you're newly pregnant--quickly addicting.  After each ultrasound I had a few days of euphoria quickly followed by an impatient wait for my next visit so I could get my next glimpse at baby A and baby B (or Alpha Bravo as my family had affectionately starting calling them.)

Baby B 12 weeks

After the 12 week mark Dr. Bachus officially sent us off with his blessing to my regular OB/GYN.  I didn't have an established relationship with any doc so I took the recommendation of my friend Cecile and met Dr. Tool at my 12 week visit.  They listened to the heartbeats and took measurements and he advised us that we would have monthly ultrasounds and visits for the next few months then the visits would increase to every two weeks at about week 30. Dr. Tool and his nurse Donna were such a blessing throughout the whole process.  He was always so goofy and upfront that he made the whole process seem simple even when it wasn't. 

At Thanksgiving time we headed to Omaha to visit with family there.  It was a sweet time especially because Greg's sister was also pregnant.  She was about 3 months ahead of me so we got to share all of the baby talk: what baby stuff we absolutely needed, names, commiserating over tiredness, etc.


Christmas was spent at home this year, we decided that in the upcoming years we would be doing a lot of traveling in order to show off our twins so we would enjoy the holiday at home.  The next few weeks were pretty uneventful.  We were just anxiously awaiting our upcoming ultrasound so we could find out the sex of the twins. 

It was around the first of the year when we decided to take a class on the Bradley method for birthing.  The class met every Sunday afternoon for 10 weeks.  Yeah, that's a loooong birth class.  The basic idea of the Bradley Method is that it is a husband coached, natural birth method.  Lots of relaxation techniques, education on the different stages of labor, etc.  We hoped to be able to apply as many of the principles of the class as possible to our birth experience but were also learning through other research that carrying twins was going to make the whole process a little more difficult to use some of the tools.  Initially we hoped to have a completely natural birth, no medication, as little medical intervention as possible. 

We waltzed into one of our appointments with Dr. Tool and triumphantly announced our plans for a completely natural birth.... he kindly informed us of our ignorance. :) He told us that the first thing we needed to hope for was that, when it came time to deliver, both babies were head down.  Or at the very least, baby A needed to be head down in order to deliver vaginally. If baby B was breech, he could perform a breech extraction after baby A was delivered (basically he would reach inside and pull baby B out by the feet) but that I would not be able to "tolerate" a breech extraction without an epidural.  Basically the pain would be too much.  He also advised us that even if both babies were head down to begin with, it is not uncommon to have baby B turn breech after baby A is delivered. If that were to happen, and I had not had an epidural, I would have to be put under general anesthesia and the baby would be delivered by cesarean. He was willing to let me proceed without an epidural, as long as I understood the risk I was taking.  Boo. Not what I wanted to hear.

But anyways, back to the important stuff.  It was finally time to learn the sex of our twins!  We went in for the ultrasound and they quickly showed us that we were going to have 2 girls!! Sisters!! Although I had initially hoped for a boy and a girl, once they told us we were having 2 girls I couldn't have imagined it any other way!  We were thrilled.  I was excited about the bows and ribbons and sweet cuddles headed my way and Greg couldn't wait to have 2 little "daddy's girls."

We started talking baby names and Greg was of absolutely no help whatsoever.  He pretty much liked anything I came up with. I kept telling him that he needed to LOVE the name because the girls would be stuck with these names for the rest of their lives!  One day he called and said that he'd heard a name that he liked - Hannah. I quickly agreed, wanting to use any sort of imput that he was willing to give.  After thinking more about it I found the name very appropriate because of Hannah in the Bible and her struggle to have a child. I could relate with the story in 1st Samuel and found great hope in it. So- Baby A became Hannah.

I wish I could say there was some special meaning to Emersyn's name but it was simply a name that I loved.  I found it to be graceful, smart sounding and I loved the idea of being able to give her a nickname and call her Emmy. The middle names were chosen in honor of my Aunt Grace Ruth. She was a very special lady in my life and my heart was broken when she passed away.  I couldn't think of any better way to honor her than to give my girls her name.  I often think about how much she would have loved the girls.

²⁷ I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. ²⁸ So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there
My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn^[a] is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance. ² “There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. 1 Sam. 1:27-2:2



Infertility, Clomid and "Trying"

Infertility. That word just sounds so.... final. That's it. It's over. Your hopes and dreams will never come true.  You have a barren wasteland hanging out where your ovaries belong.  Facing that dirty word was something that I always knew I would have to do someday.  My mom (as well as most of her sisters) had a very difficult time conceiving children of their own so I assumed that I would be the same.  Big surprise- I was right.

Greg and I had been together and completely content in our little family of 2 for over 5 years when we decided that it was time to face that dirty word.  When we got married I was taking the pill for BC but it made me a little crazy- over emotional (not good when you start with someone who tends to be emotional anyways) + hungry all the time = unhappy camper.  So when we moved to CO in 2008 we decided to nix the BC and just see what happened.  And what happened? ..... nothing... absolutely nothing.  Which, as I said before, was fine with us.  We were enjoying the simplicity of living just the two of us and the freedom it provided. (This picture is a good example of the goofy good times we were enjoying as our little family of 2.)

Around Thanksgiving of 2011 we decided that it was time to start "trying."  At that point all that meant to us was timing things out, checking temps, etc.  I quickly found that it's difficult to "time" things when your cycle is completely random. (Speaking of that, I decided that mine really couldn't be called a "cycle" because that would imply some sort of pattern... which I definitely didn't have!) So in March of 2012 I spoke with my ob/gyn who decided the best course of action was to start with some blood work and a "count" for Greg.  After the results came back she recommended we begin seeing Dr. Bachus, the fertility specialist in Fort Collins. 

The day of our first visit with Dr. Bachus I woke with butterflies in my tummy. As I sat in the waiting room, knees shaking.... feet twitching.... lip chewing.... I realized that this was an exciting day because it was the 1st day of our journey to make babies. Although I was scared that they would tell us we couldn't have kids, I also had some sort of peace- knowing that God would provide us a child to love. Whether that be through us conceiving on our own or through adoption-He would provide.  Although I had come to terms with the idea that I may have to adopt in order to have children, I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy and birth.

We went back and met with the doctor and he advised us that everything was working perfectly with Greg but that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Meaning my ovulation was unpredictable. Again, big surprise. The best way to regulate the PCOS was to use Clomid to force regular development of the follicles.  The great thing about PCOS is that it can be easily tracked.   Using the Clomid causes the follicles to develop and watching via ultrasound shows us when/if the Clomid was working. The bad thing about PCOS is that no one knows how much you need to make the follicles develop.  Too little and nothing happens, too much and octo-mom happens.  So they sent me with the prescription for Clomid and told me to come back for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

The first time taking the Clomid I didn't notice too many side effects aside from mild hot flashes. We returned to Dr. Bachus in a couple of weeks.  Sitting in the waiting room I experienced the same knee shaking, foot twitching and lip chewing as before. We were finally called back, and got undressed for the ultrasound.  There's nothing more unnerving than sitting there, wondering if you have the stupid gown on correctly, and waiting for someone to come tell you whether or not your body is cooperating. After an awkward few minutes and some blobs on the screen they told us that the medication was working!  Go home and "try" your best and call us with your positive pregnancy test or when your period starts.

I need to go back and clarify something. When most people hear the word "ultrasound" they think of women crying with joy as the nurse rubs her swollen belly covered in goo. This is not the same kind of ultrasound.  Wrong.  Instead, the patient is naked from the waist down.... a large probe... and an awkward moment with the nurse.....

A tense couple of weeks go by.  My period starts.  I cry.  There is nothing like that feeling of defeat.  I call the office, depressed, and ask what the next step is.

The next few months consist of multiple ultrasounds, lots of different doses of Clomid and lots of forced "trying" with no results. In August, after 2 rounds of Clomid, we took a final dose, 150mg-the highest I'd taken yet, and had 3 viable follicles.  The doc gave me a shot of HCG to ensure the speedy release of the eggs. That day we left for labor day with my family in Casper, Wy. We "tried"... in my little brother's room hee hee.... and crossed our fingers, hoping for the best.

On September 14, 1 day after Greg's birthday, I took a pregnancy test. Ehhhhh..... it was ...... ehhhh???? It wasn't a homerun, over the wall, out of the park, you're definitely pregnant test.  BUT!  It wasn't a no.  It was a ehhhhh maybe???? I wasn't convinced.  I asked Greg what he thought and he agreed that he wasn't sure about it but he thought we should wait for a few days and test again.

Try as I might I couldn't get it out of my mind.   I showed few of my girlfriends at work a picture of the test and asked what they thought and they all agreed that I should have a blood test done.  So, in spite of Greg's instructions to wait to take the blood test (yeah I know, I'm not great at the submissive wife role) I left work around 10 AM and had my blood drawn.  I came back to work, trying to keep myself busy, and worked up a few patients. Finally, I received a call from Dr. Bachus' office.  It was positive.  Holy crap.  I'm pregnant. I'm crying and hugging my coworkers (who have been so very patient with all of my appointments, emotions and hot flashes) and can't believe it is actually true.  I'm pregnant.  Not only that, my hormone levels were through the roof!  The nurse told me when I called that anything over a "4" was pregnant.  Mine were at 50! 

I wanted to tell Greg in person so I left for lunch, bought him a couple of cigars and rushed home to share the news.  When I got there I told him that I had another birthday gift for him that I had forgotten about and gave him the cigars.  He looked at me as though I had lost my mind because he doesn't smoke cigars.  Our conversation went something like this. G- "Gee thanks..." L- "Think about it...." G- "Uhhhhh... cigars... awesome...." L- "think about who usually gets cigars given to them" G- "uhhhhh" L- "Remember that test you told me to wait to get... yeah I didn't wait... WE'RE PREGNANT!" *Cue crying*

We stood there in the kitchen jumping up and down, hugging and crying.  We called our parents and shared the good news and had to cut our celebration short so that we could both get back to work.  Not that either of us were very productive considering the excitement.

The next step was to have the blood test repeated every couple of days for a week.  The numbers were supposed to double at each test.  So, theoretically, the next test should have been 50- it was 150- and the following test should have been 300- it was 500.  I think it was safe to say that we were definitely pregnant. The crazy hormone levels got us to thinking.... you know, there were 3 follicles.... could this mean triplets??  Oh crap.  What have we gotten ourselves into.  We may have gotten a little more than we bargained for. 

So we impatiently waited for 2 weeks to pass so that we could have another ultrasound and find out what exactly we had growing in there.  The day finally came and we rushed to our appointment, speedily stripped out of my clothes and waited for the doctor.  He started the ultrasound and instead of directing the probe to my ovaries he went strait to my uterus where there were two little black blobs with tiny flickering white spots inside of them.  Two blobs! Two blobs with heartbeats! Holy smokes! There are two in there!  With heartbeats! We were on cloud nine.  We left the office and quickly called all of our family and close friends and reveled in the new reality.  Not only were we going to be parents, we were going to be parents to twins!! Unbelievable.

Introduction Disclaimer

So, historically, I've not been a faithful journaler and I half way expect that this new beginning will end sooner rather than later.  However, so much has happened to Greg and I over the last year that I feel like it needs to be written down so it will be remembered. I will give it my best shot and who knows, maybe I'll come to find that I like blogging :)