Infertility, Clomid and "Trying"

Infertility. That word just sounds so.... final. That's it. It's over. Your hopes and dreams will never come true.  You have a barren wasteland hanging out where your ovaries belong.  Facing that dirty word was something that I always knew I would have to do someday.  My mom (as well as most of her sisters) had a very difficult time conceiving children of their own so I assumed that I would be the same.  Big surprise- I was right.

Greg and I had been together and completely content in our little family of 2 for over 5 years when we decided that it was time to face that dirty word.  When we got married I was taking the pill for BC but it made me a little crazy- over emotional (not good when you start with someone who tends to be emotional anyways) + hungry all the time = unhappy camper.  So when we moved to CO in 2008 we decided to nix the BC and just see what happened.  And what happened? ..... nothing... absolutely nothing.  Which, as I said before, was fine with us.  We were enjoying the simplicity of living just the two of us and the freedom it provided. (This picture is a good example of the goofy good times we were enjoying as our little family of 2.)

Around Thanksgiving of 2011 we decided that it was time to start "trying."  At that point all that meant to us was timing things out, checking temps, etc.  I quickly found that it's difficult to "time" things when your cycle is completely random. (Speaking of that, I decided that mine really couldn't be called a "cycle" because that would imply some sort of pattern... which I definitely didn't have!) So in March of 2012 I spoke with my ob/gyn who decided the best course of action was to start with some blood work and a "count" for Greg.  After the results came back she recommended we begin seeing Dr. Bachus, the fertility specialist in Fort Collins. 

The day of our first visit with Dr. Bachus I woke with butterflies in my tummy. As I sat in the waiting room, knees shaking.... feet twitching.... lip chewing.... I realized that this was an exciting day because it was the 1st day of our journey to make babies. Although I was scared that they would tell us we couldn't have kids, I also had some sort of peace- knowing that God would provide us a child to love. Whether that be through us conceiving on our own or through adoption-He would provide.  Although I had come to terms with the idea that I may have to adopt in order to have children, I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy and birth.

We went back and met with the doctor and he advised us that everything was working perfectly with Greg but that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Meaning my ovulation was unpredictable. Again, big surprise. The best way to regulate the PCOS was to use Clomid to force regular development of the follicles.  The great thing about PCOS is that it can be easily tracked.   Using the Clomid causes the follicles to develop and watching via ultrasound shows us when/if the Clomid was working. The bad thing about PCOS is that no one knows how much you need to make the follicles develop.  Too little and nothing happens, too much and octo-mom happens.  So they sent me with the prescription for Clomid and told me to come back for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

The first time taking the Clomid I didn't notice too many side effects aside from mild hot flashes. We returned to Dr. Bachus in a couple of weeks.  Sitting in the waiting room I experienced the same knee shaking, foot twitching and lip chewing as before. We were finally called back, and got undressed for the ultrasound.  There's nothing more unnerving than sitting there, wondering if you have the stupid gown on correctly, and waiting for someone to come tell you whether or not your body is cooperating. After an awkward few minutes and some blobs on the screen they told us that the medication was working!  Go home and "try" your best and call us with your positive pregnancy test or when your period starts.

I need to go back and clarify something. When most people hear the word "ultrasound" they think of women crying with joy as the nurse rubs her swollen belly covered in goo. This is not the same kind of ultrasound.  Wrong.  Instead, the patient is naked from the waist down.... a large probe... and an awkward moment with the nurse.....

A tense couple of weeks go by.  My period starts.  I cry.  There is nothing like that feeling of defeat.  I call the office, depressed, and ask what the next step is.

The next few months consist of multiple ultrasounds, lots of different doses of Clomid and lots of forced "trying" with no results. In August, after 2 rounds of Clomid, we took a final dose, 150mg-the highest I'd taken yet, and had 3 viable follicles.  The doc gave me a shot of HCG to ensure the speedy release of the eggs. That day we left for labor day with my family in Casper, Wy. We "tried"... in my little brother's room hee hee.... and crossed our fingers, hoping for the best.

On September 14, 1 day after Greg's birthday, I took a pregnancy test. Ehhhhh..... it was ...... ehhhh???? It wasn't a homerun, over the wall, out of the park, you're definitely pregnant test.  BUT!  It wasn't a no.  It was a ehhhhh maybe???? I wasn't convinced.  I asked Greg what he thought and he agreed that he wasn't sure about it but he thought we should wait for a few days and test again.

Try as I might I couldn't get it out of my mind.   I showed few of my girlfriends at work a picture of the test and asked what they thought and they all agreed that I should have a blood test done.  So, in spite of Greg's instructions to wait to take the blood test (yeah I know, I'm not great at the submissive wife role) I left work around 10 AM and had my blood drawn.  I came back to work, trying to keep myself busy, and worked up a few patients. Finally, I received a call from Dr. Bachus' office.  It was positive.  Holy crap.  I'm pregnant. I'm crying and hugging my coworkers (who have been so very patient with all of my appointments, emotions and hot flashes) and can't believe it is actually true.  I'm pregnant.  Not only that, my hormone levels were through the roof!  The nurse told me when I called that anything over a "4" was pregnant.  Mine were at 50! 

I wanted to tell Greg in person so I left for lunch, bought him a couple of cigars and rushed home to share the news.  When I got there I told him that I had another birthday gift for him that I had forgotten about and gave him the cigars.  He looked at me as though I had lost my mind because he doesn't smoke cigars.  Our conversation went something like this. G- "Gee thanks..." L- "Think about it...." G- "Uhhhhh... cigars... awesome...." L- "think about who usually gets cigars given to them" G- "uhhhhh" L- "Remember that test you told me to wait to get... yeah I didn't wait... WE'RE PREGNANT!" *Cue crying*

We stood there in the kitchen jumping up and down, hugging and crying.  We called our parents and shared the good news and had to cut our celebration short so that we could both get back to work.  Not that either of us were very productive considering the excitement.

The next step was to have the blood test repeated every couple of days for a week.  The numbers were supposed to double at each test.  So, theoretically, the next test should have been 50- it was 150- and the following test should have been 300- it was 500.  I think it was safe to say that we were definitely pregnant. The crazy hormone levels got us to thinking.... you know, there were 3 follicles.... could this mean triplets??  Oh crap.  What have we gotten ourselves into.  We may have gotten a little more than we bargained for. 

So we impatiently waited for 2 weeks to pass so that we could have another ultrasound and find out what exactly we had growing in there.  The day finally came and we rushed to our appointment, speedily stripped out of my clothes and waited for the doctor.  He started the ultrasound and instead of directing the probe to my ovaries he went strait to my uterus where there were two little black blobs with tiny flickering white spots inside of them.  Two blobs! Two blobs with heartbeats! Holy smokes! There are two in there!  With heartbeats! We were on cloud nine.  We left the office and quickly called all of our family and close friends and reveled in the new reality.  Not only were we going to be parents, we were going to be parents to twins!! Unbelievable.